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Life As I Know It

Thinking back

I was just looking at things that I wrote in the past. This poem was written in my primary school days, but it reminds me of how fast things can change from feeling so low to being happy and free of thought. I just thought that I would post it as my come back blog, 🙂

More interesting blogs to come

I look in the window
Of an open house.
Lively and colourful.
A man and his spouse.

Wish I could be them,
Having fun.
Watching TV,
As the kids run.

I see them hide.
No worries in their head.
Making me think
Why do I want to be dead?

I take another look
Before a car comes for me
Deciding what to do
Happy today as I am finally free

 

Just a reminder of how things can change.
From a moment that I thought that I was lost and thought that life was pointless to living in the city loving life, doing research and meeting people everyday that put a smile on my face.
Once you find a place that you belong, you will never want to leave it.

Why do I have to take part?

Why do I have to take part?

So I went to see someone for the first time last week, she wasn’t a counselor but what happened, definitely seemed like counselling, intense counselling. It was weird, for the first time, someone knew everything about me. Well everything that I have kept hidden for the past 13/14 years.

It was horrible, it was terrifying, it was great.

As a psychologist, myself, I understood most of what she was saying once she opened her mouth. I think that’s why she could tell me so much. It was just a lot of what I didn’t want to hear. A lot of what I have ignored about myself. My family had mentioned these things to me before but until someone new said it to me, i didn’t acknowledge it. From this one-hour session, I have learned how closed off I have been, unable to be in relationships of any type, unable to feel emotions that I considered negative (fear, anger, sadness, jealousy), totally detached from half of my world. So many things that I don’t care about, I should care about.

Avoidance is so much easier. Why do I have to take part in the bits I don’t like about life. Right now, as I psycho-analyse myself, I’m not sure if I want to remember my childhood. But that’s the source of my problems. I must go back before I go forward. To change, I must know why I am me, and how I became me.

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