Why do I have to take part?

So I went to see someone for the first time last week, she wasn’t a counselor but what happened, definitely seemed like counselling, intense counselling. It was weird, for the first time, someone knew everything about me. Well everything that I have kept hidden for the past 13/14 years.

It was horrible, it was terrifying, it was great.

As a psychologist, myself, I understood most of what she was saying once she opened her mouth. I think that’s why she could tell me so much. It was just a lot of what I didn’t want to hear. A lot of what I have ignored about myself. My family had mentioned these things to me before but until someone new said it to me, i didn’t acknowledge it. From this one-hour session, I have learned how closed off I have been, unable to be in relationships of any type, unable to feel emotions that I considered negative (fear, anger, sadness, jealousy), totally detached from half of my world. So many things that I don’t care about, I should care about.

Avoidance is so much easier. Why do I have to take part in the bits I don’t like about life. Right now, as I psycho-analyse myself, I’m not sure if I want to remember my childhood. But that’s the source of my problems. I must go back before I go forward. To change, I must know why I am me, and how I became me.

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